A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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