Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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