we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
