Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
