i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
