I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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