There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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