If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
