she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
