He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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