I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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