Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
