I can tuck mytits in my pants
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
