Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
