He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hello my rib-scented angel!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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