now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
