You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
