your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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