The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
