It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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