my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
