those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
