How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
