someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
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If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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