He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
