He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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