i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
