Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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