Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
