I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
