Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
At least life still wants to fuck me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
