are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
