I wanna bring you to show and tell
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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