he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
