im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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