someone get that fucking seahorse.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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