the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
