Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
