Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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