I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
