Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
