It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
