What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
