I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
