Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
