I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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