Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
