i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
