just tell him i said nine months
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
