I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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