I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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