You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
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I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
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Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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