so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
