haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
