just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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