Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
