god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
