I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
