I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
